by Karen Smyers
2004
As the bun in my oven continues to “rise”, now approaching the dimensions of a hearty French boule, I find myself feeling less like an athlete and more like a sedentary housewife biding my time until a heart attack does me in.* Although I am still able to run (or waddle) a few times per week and swim as often as I can stand squeezing my zaftig figure into my lycra suit, I find myself doubting that I was ever a finely-tuned triathlete capable of performing flawless transitions in mere seconds or scaling St. Croix’s Beast with nary a whimper. And if I am finding it hard to believe, I am sure that new acquaintances find it impossible. For my languishing self-esteem, I need to surround myself with the dead giveaways that remind others and me of my erstwhile identity. If some of you are suffering from winter identity crisis, these tips may help you remind others that you are no ordinary Homo sapiens. You are a card-carrying member of tri athleticus.
The first clue you can give is to wear a Timex Ironman watch with everything. This includes business suits, little black dresses, and all casual wear. Unfortunately, the general public has caught on to the availability and prestige of these watches so even if you have a special 1996 Hawaii Ironman special edition, it is not apt to be noticed as unusual. So I also try to make sure it is on chronograph mode and registers the time I ran my 8-mile loop in so that if anyone asks the time I have to mumble, ”Oh, wait, let me see, 1:02 that’s not right, that was my 10-mile run this morning, ah, here we are, it is 3:30 p.m.” (It can’t hurt to round up the mileage a little–they probably have no clue how to figure a per-mile pace anyway.) If you have your lap times from your track workout the night before and can manage to mention a few of those, you can really score big.
Drink out of a water bottle whenever feasible. I bring mine to movie theaters, on car rides, to work (well, I would if I worked), and even in to bars-heck since I presently can’t drink beer to acquire a gregarious personality, I might as well have a conversation piece with me. It is best if it has a logo from a race or a multi-sport industry sponsor on it. If someone asks what you are drinking say, “Just your ordinary 7% carbo-solution plus electrolytes for maximum absorption and recovery.” This is bound to lead into a conversation about your incredible triathletic accomplishments or else it will lead into them suddenly having to use the restroom.
Perch a pair of Oakleys on your head or nose at all times. Once again, this triathlete “dead giveaway” has been imitated by the general public enough that it won’t necessarily distinguish you as a practicing triathlete, but without them, you most certainly won’t be distinguished as one.
Make sure you have an ample supply of energy bars and place them in strategic locations that are sure to get noticed–always have a few on your desk at work, in your car, in your pocketbook, in your front shirt pocket (where those obnoxious nerds that want everyone to know they are intellectuals keep their calculators), in your coat pockets, in your gym bag, etc.
When you are grocery shopping, wear a bike jersey and test out how different foods fit in the back pockets. Bend over like you’re in the aero position and see if you can pull the item out without too much trouble. Make sure that the store security doesn’t think you are trying to shoplift the PopTarts.
Your ordinary car ride can be a convenient time to display certain “giveaway” paraphernalia. Bumper stickers are effective though not particularly subtle. Saucony’s “Loyal to the Sport”, “Triathletes Have Triple the Fun” or “Multi-sports Give Me Multiples” all get the point across. Occasionally, I like to put my racing bike on my car rack and bring it for a drive so it gets a little fresh air in the winter. And don’t neglect your race wheels–that garage air is awfully stale. Make sure if you give anyone a ride that there are energy bar wrappers, water bottles, an old race number, and at least one extra pair of Oakleys in view. (Make sure the Oakleys are still there when he or she exits your vehicle.)
When you are walking down a crowded sidewalk, point out obstacles like puddles or doggie-do to warn the people behind you like you would in a bike pack. You can also shout audibles, like “On your right!” when you are passing slower pedestrians.
When visiting one of the trendy new gourmet coffee shops, choose a prominent table and fill out your training log over a half-caf double latte. If you don’t have much to add these days due to lack of workout time, bring a previous year’s log and make colored bar charts of your run, bike and swim mileage by week, month, and season.
Make sure your choice of footwear sets you apart. Wear running shoes with elastic laces or lace locks as often as possible. Or you may choose Birkenstocks with short bike socks if you want to exude that “just got off the bike and slipped into these comfy shoes” look. If someone asks what the ornaments on your shoes are, expound on the timesavings for T1 and T2 in races.
Two words: compression socks (most effective while wearing shorts).
Learn to drop triathlete “buzzwords” at every opportunity. The transition mentioned above is a good example–if someone asks how long it takes to commute to and from work, tell him or her “T1 is about twenty minutes and T2 is about eighteen minutes”. Or instead of going to lunch, say you are going to “carbo-load”. When complimenting someone on their trim figure, say they look “aero”. If someone asks you what your SATs were, answer 180 bpms. When they look at you incredulously, explain, “Oh, did you say SAT? I thought you said AT. That’s anaerobic threshold which is the rate at which. . .yada, yada, yada.” It gets easier once you get the hang of it. Soon every conversation you are in can eventually lead to the fact that you do triathlons!
If you practice these tips over the next few months, you will find that pretty soon everyone knows that you are a triathlete. Your self-esteem will soar and you will be walking with a bounce in your step despite the added winter (or maternity as the case may be) poundage. The only problem is that the more people that you have let know (in your subtle way) about your athletic prowess, the less people you may find want to speak to you anymore. This typical avoidance behavior on the part of jealous and inferior non-athletes can put a damper on things. To draw them back in to a conversation, try asking them something about themselves, like “How is work going?” When they answer “Good, I just got moved to a new position as head of PR. . .”, you have them where you want them. “Did you say PR? Funny, I just set a PR on my run route this morning. . .”
*Author’s addendum: No, I am not about to add a third child to complete the triathlon offspring relay team—this was written in 2004 while Casey was percolating inside.